At work, Bill English came in today. I was quite happy to see him, because I read his article in the Boise Weekly yesterday and wanted to tell him how much I enjoyed it. He did a feature on an upcoming writer who seemed quite insightful.
I've discovered there's a quiet hunger for books and literature throughout the state. I've gotten to meet hundreds of kids and hopefully, I've shown them that you don't have to be from Paris or New York to be a full-time writer.
He also said this: I doubt my work all the way through the process, and after it's published, I doubt it even more.
It feels nice to know I'm not the only one working in doubt.
Bill English told me he is basing a character off of me for his novel. I wonder about this girl. Does she have a boyfriend? Does she have a high self esteem? Is she tasteful? He said I should be his protege. I'd like that, since he is living the life I want, writing novels and articles for the Boise Weekly.
At work, I catch myself channeling my own insecurities through other people. Does Nancy think I don't sell enough memberships? Does Lynn think I am an idiot? Does she hate my tattoo? Does Carrie get irritated fixing my mistakes? Does Steve think I am unreasonable for asking for six days off? Does Heidi think I am bossy? Does everyone think I am incompetent? I know these are just my own fears about myself; I just hope I'm the only one that thinks them.
My alarm went off at 4:45, waking me up from a nap during the thunderstorm. I wanted to keep sleeping, to call off the creme brulee party, but I forced myself to get up. And I'm so glad I did; my evening was lovely. Tessa and her very nice boyfriend, Daniel came over and we made creme brulee and I played a great playlist. I told them about the past 13 months of my life involving Brian in about seven minutes. It's recapped so quickly. It's like fiction. We laughed a lot at different happenings in my recent life and Daniel asked me if I had a blog to write about it all.
We went to Dawson Taylor's while the creme brulee set, and Daniel helped a bee keeper take a huge nest down from a tree on the sidewalk. When I say help, I mean, he got stung some 10 or 15 times when the nest crashed to the ground and 50 bees swarmed around him. He sprinted away down the street, covered in bees. It started to rain again and we all got soaked instantly. Tess told me I could share her life.
We played a lazy game of Yahtzee and Tess looked at my favorite picture books. We torched the top of our brulee, and Daniel was a little overzealous with the torch. He made a very burnt smily face. The creme didn't set up enough and was a little watery, but it tasted good.
They left and I did the dishes quietly. I made my peace with being alone. I think about Tess and Daniel and how sweet they seem and how I had that and how he would make me eggs in a basket, but that time is over and I've made my peace. It will stay a bundle of good memories of a different time.
I painted my finger nails pink.
My mom called and told me about their visit to Colorado. She told me how she cried a lot yesterday at the prospect of moving, but how getting out in the world allows for new experiences and I noted how incredibly strong my mom is. I hope to be that strong someday. And I realized that it's not my place to resist this relocation anymore. She needs to do what is best for her and it's not my call.
Just like Brian needed to do what was best for him.
And I've made my peace with that.
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