I ramble on and on.

I said I needed a project.

I got one.

Something to consume my thoughts, my time, my energy. Obsession. Until I am touching a lip ring that isn't there.

My expression turns focused and my concentration narrows in and I'm no longer aware of time lapsing. And when it's over for a bit, my mind feels pleasantly blank.

Lately I surround myself with people. Catch the eyes of the regulars at the Flying M. Sometimes being around people just makes me feel more lonely though. I watch them smile at each other and laugh and talk together. Share their lives, their experiences.

And I'm flying along the freeway, it takes seconds for me to take off in my car. I don't unlock the passenger door for anyone. Don't wait for them to sit down and get comfortable. Don't wait for them to buckle their seatbelt. It's just me. It's alright, with the windows rolled down and some nostalgic Death Cab for Cutie.

And it's like this is how it has always been, like he never existed. Until I am cleaning out my email and see a message sent on April 12th.

"Hi, B." Look at this that I wrote.

I delete it before the memory surfaces. The mind is still blank.

This weird and totally different feeling I get deciding to take the longer drive home, driving down Harrison and having just been told that something I wrote was good. I see Tegan Ren out there walking her cat and yelling at people in their yards. We're both lonely as hell.

I spend a lot of time to myself.

But on the bright side, I'll be back in Phoenix in ten days.